easilyamused17's Journal

Well I completely suck at updating these types of things. Too much happens to me in a day that I could possibly remember it all and manage to get everything typed up in an evening. But, despite all that, I'm going to make a sincere effort to do so since Nicole asked me to. Because she loved reading my Xanga but that got old. I'm in the mood for something new. And this, just so happens to be it::

Tomorrow is the first day of school and every other year I'd have my notebooks&folders neatly labeled by subject and ready to be brought to school a day or so later. My outfit would have been picked out a week ago (sometimes even more...) with the appropriate accessories and make up regime aside. But today, the night before I start my senior year in high school, I don't know what I'm going to wear. I don't know how I'm doing my hair. I don't know if I'll even attempt to use any of the new make up I bought, or if I'll even consider wearing one of my new outfits. I'm sitting here, strangely calm, typing up the "basic" outline of my summer.

June had come wayyyy too soon for my liking, but I was so relieved it had. I was stressing sooo much over the upcoming regents and things, needing to pass Math B and Physics all about a week apart was not only making me break out (ultimately stressing me out that not only emotionally but even asthetically I couldn't get it together...) but making me lose sleep. Really the only thing keeping me sane was the few hours I'd spend with my MeanGirls daily. They're everything to me and without those 3 girls (Nicole*Kristi*Tracy) I'd be lost.

I'd met Nicole first in drama Nicole, Devin and I had a heart to heart on a barricade prop backstage and somewhere between watching Psycho walk nervously (as usual) between the curtins and listening to the rehearsal we were supposed to be apart of going on, we became best friends. Maybe not then in that instant. But most definitely we were connected somehow, as queer as that may sound? A few weeks later I'd met Kristi, post-drama at this point. We went to Applebees with a few of our other friends (Melissa and Lindsay<33) and Kristi and I ended up talking about the most horrible date I'd ever had. Ironically, a similar connection had formed. Kristi introduced me to her friend Tracy at the beach one day with a bunch of weird army boys. And that is how the whole MeanGirl group was formed. All summer long we were basically inseperable. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for those girls and I know they're the same for me. Between beach trips to sleepovers to parties to Starbucks to triple dates....I can't picture my summer being even half as amazing as it has been without them.

Late June I'd also met my boyfriend (Who, by the way, I'm now completely in love with). You see, through a complicated string of events, I met Steveo (that's right, I fell in love with a guy named "Steveo" )and I'm not gonna lie, he's another definite reason this summer has been amazing. As stupid as it sounds, I was so inhibited and scared. I didn't want to fall in love again anytime soon. I had been hurt so badly last year and the thought of being so happy and comfortable and opening myself up to that kind of pain again terrified me. I stayed away from guys who I started to like too much. I hung out with guys I saw no future with. Guys I'd rather vomit in my mouth a little before dating. We'd hang out. We'd date. And that would be it. No commitment, no strings attached. But then Steve and I started talking and there was something so genuine about him. There was just something about him that I couldn't stop thinking about. Whenever we'd talk I'd replay everything he'd say over and over again, feeling like I was making it all up. I wanted to make sure that it was real. When we'd hang out I'd listen carefully, I wouldn't respond right away, I'd sit and study his face just so I'd remember every little thing about him. And we've been going out officially for a little over a month and I still do these things. I still study his face. I still replay everything he says in my head. I still doubt a lot of what he says when he talks about loving me and stuff. It's hard to open up, it's hard to fall. It's hard when that imaginary scar from before is still so vividly visible to me. It's hard to want to believe what he says so badly, but to go home and second guess everything. Regardless, I'm crazy about him. I've already opened myself up more than usual. I've already let him become part of my daily routine. And as scary as it is, I love it. And I really don't want things to be any other way.

Not really being home at all this summer has really made my mom realize that this year is it. This is my senior year. I get my license in January and I probably won't be home at all when that comes around. She misses me tremendously whether or not she'll ever admit it. And I know she's so scared of me graduating and leaving. I keep talking about New Paltz since the more I talk to my girls (Kristi&Tracy) and hear about how much they love it, the more I wanna pack up and meet them there. I used to talk to my mom about everything. We used to be really open. I guess at 13 or so there's nothing you really can't tell your mom. Usually you're not doing anything that you really have to keep a secret about, well, in my case that's the way it was at least. But now, I'm older. I can't tell my mom intimate details about my dates/social life (not without giving her a mild coronary at least...) so things have been hard. Not just for her, for both of us. I do miss the closeness. The only difference is, whereas I've had an amazing summer, made soo many friends, experienced so many incredible things, opened myself up to new emotions, really grown as a person....My mom has been working&going to the gym&coming home, the same old routine, but she also somehow managed to lose a really special bond between us in the blink of an eye. And that kinda makes me sad, too. But that's life, right?

Anyway...as ridiculous as this may sound, I'm minorly psyched over this school year. There are so many things to look forward to. Even my classes (with the exception of the AP English class that's already stressing me out...), seem pretty "okay." This is the first year I don't have any regents exams to think about. The classes I chose are all somewhat interesting to me. I might actually enjoy some of them? Or at least I hope so.

Well that's enough for my first entry. I'm minorly proud I managed to write all this in the most organized manner possible (considering my brain jumps around from topic to topic and it's nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me to stay on one train of thought long enough for anyone to follow....Good luck future readers!)

Love, peace and hair grease...
Rachel^_<33

Advertisement